The SOS Brigade Goes Underground
by A Philosopher with a Pen
Summary: When a cave is discovered on Tsuruya's property, Haruhi wants to be the first to explore it. Meant to mimic a chapter from the light novels.
1. Chapter 1

This is the story of the SOS Brigade's caving trip. The standard fanfiction disclaimer applies. There are a couple references to things that have happened in the light novels, but nothing that should leave you completely bewildered and nothing that will spoil the story for you. I'm not positive if I've used all the right honorific suffixes in the all the right places; if I've made a mistake, feel free to correct me.

--

I'm standing in front of a gapping black hole that leads deep into the ground. It looks like a humongous mouth, like the very Earth is yawning, and Haruhi plans to charge straight down the gullet of the world without even wondering just where we might pop out again.

"Let's go!" she shouts, thrusting her finger toward the opening with her usual enthusiasm. She and Tsuruya-san disappear into the darkness before Nagato, Asahina-san, Koizumi, or I even move. I glance around at the alien, time-traveler, and esper to try to gauge just what kind of trouble we're likely to end up in down there, but all I get in return is a stoic glare, a bullshit grin, and Asahina-san's meek trembling at the thought of having to go in such a dark place.

"Well," I say, but it sounds stupid, so I just shut up.

"Hurry up, Kyon! Slackers will be left at the bottom of the cave!" At the sound of Haruhi's voice pouring from the cave, we start making our way inside.

--

This story is almost finished, and I'll be posting two chapters a night. I hope you enjoy it.


	2. Chapter 2

I guess now would be a good time to explain just how we ended up here. It started earlier this week when Haruhi burst into the clubroom with a cry of excitement which signaled some new scheme that would likely land the rest of us in some kind of crazy adventure. When I noticed that Tsuruya-san was with her, I knew my hunch was correct.

"We'll need flashlights, and rope, and helmets, and. . ." she said without even explaining.

"Hey, Haruhi." I interrupted. She stared at me for a moment, slowly coming back to reality. "What are. . ." but she didn't let me finish.

"Cancel any plans you have this weekend. We've got a mandatory club activity scheduled." It's a pretty useless announcement; the day I bother making plans for the weekend is the day I'm no longer in the SOS Brigade. Besides, I doubt Nagato, Asahina-san, or Koizumi are even allowed to do anything not Haruhi-related.

"So what are we doing?" Koizumi asks; somehow he even manages to grin when he talks. What an ass.

"It's Tsuruya's idea, so I'll let her tell it."

"Well, while some contractors were surveying our land, they found the opening to a cave on our property." As Tsuruya-san spoke her voice grew louder and more excited. "There's no record of it, and apparently it's never been explored. My family was going to hire some people to go down and map it, but I asked if we could do it instead!" After Tsuruya-san finished, a steady silence filled the room.

"You really expect us to go caving?" I said finally. Haruhi glanced at me just long enough so I would know she planned on ignoring my last comment.

"Just think of what we might find down there! There could be markings from aliens who visited Earth in the prehistoric days, or some kind buried treasure, or an ancient creature waiting to be awoken, or even a cursed urn containing an Oni that was sealed away by a priestess hundreds of years ago!" At the sound of Haruhi's imagination taking flight, I looked around the room at the others. If we weren't careful and Haruhi didn't calm down, we really would find all those things down there. "We'll be going some place no one's been in at least a hundred years. There could be anything down there!"

I took a moment to survey the room for reactions. Haruhi, needless to say, was so excited I'm surprised we were waiting until this weekend. Tsuruya-san, while not as bad as Haruhi, also looked more animated than normal, which says a lot. Nagato showed no emotion either way (no surprise there). And Asahina-san looked terrified all ready. Oh yeah, and as for Koizumi, I didn't even bother looking at him because he's such a jerk; I'm sure he was just smiling and going along with everything Haruhi said anyways.

It was up to me to try to talk some sense into her.

"That's exciting and all, but stop and think about this for a second Haruhi. Caves are dangerous and we have no idea what we're doing. Someone could fall and get hurt, or get stuck or. . . or. . . . Well, it's probably best if we leave it to the professionals."

Haruhi didn't even bother looking at me this time; she just slammed the palms of both hands down on the table, leaving a loud crack in the air that erased all the logic I had just spilled out into the room. "We'll meet at the coffee house at 9:00 am to eat and get supplies, and then we'll head over to Tsuruya's place. Anyone who's late will be forced to carry the supplies for the rest of us." Here she paused and glanced at me.

I wonder just how much weight I can carry before my back gives way?

"Everyone understand?" Haruhi's eyes moved around the room, waiting for questions or perhaps objections. She eventually stopped on me, ready to nonchalantly toss away any other arguments I might have against this trip, but I just shrugged.

You win, Haruhi. Let's go underground.


	3. Chapter 3

Needless to say, I was the last one to arrive at the meeting place. I showed up half an hour early, but everyone was already there. I'm convinced Haruhi camps out there the night before an SOS Brigade activity just to avoid showing up later than me again.

After we ate, we headed over to the sporting goods store the next street over, and we picked up plastic safety helmets with lights attached, 100 ft. of heavy duty rope, canteens, and a can of bright orange spray paint. When I asked Haruhi about the spray paint, she replied, "As the first explorers in a virgin cave, it's our duty to mark the paths for future generations."

Yeah right, Haruhi. You just want to spray paint little doodles on the walls.

Haruhi's pending graffiti aside, we managed to get our stuff and head over to Tsuruya-san's mansion. I had to pay for our food _and_ carry everything, which wasn't easy. I was struggling with it all so much that by the time we were half-way there, Koizumi offered to help carry the supplies, and strangely enough Haruhi didn't protest. Perhaps she had some sympathy for me in a moment of weakness?

No, that can't be it. She must not have noticed. Koizumi and I were walking in the back after all.

We had to make a short stop at Tsuruya-san's house before heading over to the cave so that Asahina-san could get a change of clothes. Our poor innocent Mikuru showed up to go into the cave wearing a light blue dress and sandals; after laughing for a good 5 minutes, Tsuruya-san explained why she wasn't dressed properly and promised to find her something when we got there. Judging by the lunch Asahina-san packed, I don't think she really understood what we were in for. It didn't matter though, because Haruhi shoved the food in my pack, claiming they were rations. When I asked what they were rations for, Haruhi gave me a disappointed stare. "If we get stuck down there, these will help us stave off cannibalism for a couple of days."

Such encouraging thoughts coming from our leader. I'm not even going to bother commenting on who she might eat first.

When Asahina-san returned wearing a much more appropriate outfit for outdoor activity, we headed back onto Tsuruya-san's impressive property. Trudging through the forests and mountains behind Tsuruya-san's mansion brought back memories of lugging rocks around for some time-traveler plot. Here I am again, in the mountains, still lugging heavy objects around for plots in which I play a very bewildered and helpless part.

At least I know that when I graduate from high school I can get a job as a pack mule; I have outstanding qualifications.


	4. Chapter 4

So here we are, walking through mud and rocks in pitch black deep under a mountain. If one good thing's come out of this whole ordeal, it's that with every step deeper into the black we take, the lovely Asahina-san clutches tighter to my arm.

Ahh, how lucky I am.

Up ahead, we can see the sporadic movements of Haruhi and Tsuruya-san's headlamps, jumping from the walls to the ceiling to the floor, and the sounds of their voices echo through the cave on a cool breeze.

As we walk along, I suddenly come to a realization: excluding Haruhi and Tsuruya-san, who are ahead of us, there are only three beams of light piercing the darkness. Someone is missing. Koizumi is walking to my right and Mikuru is holding my arm like a vice grip, so where's Nagato? I begin to look around in frantic disarray, but it only takes me a second to find her. She's there in the darkness beside Asahina-san; she never bothered to turn her headlamp on. With my lamp parked on her like a spotlight, she just stands there staring at me. I let out a deep sigh and tap on my headlamp with my finger so that she gets the message. For just a moment, I think I saw an epiphany cross her face, like she had only just remembered that she even had a light on her head.

I wonder if Nagato can see in the dark? Or maybe she uses some kind of supercomputer echolocation?

"What's wrong? Did you think something had happened already?" Koizumi asks, and I go ahead and shine my light right into his eyes just to make him squint.

"Ha ha, that's easy for you to say. You can protect yourself," I reply.

"But you forget, down here, I'm completely helpless. . . just like you."

Thanks Koizumi. Nice back-handed compliment by the way.

I look ahead to where Haruhi and Tsuruya-san's lights are still dancing around. They're pretty far ahead, but I know sound travels in a cave, so I whisper. "What do you think the chances are that Haruhi will make one of her crazy fantasies come true down here?"

"I would say the chances are slim, Kyon. I'm sure you've noticed, but Haruhi has been changing lately. She's settling for having fun with the Brigade and leaving the world like it is. Truthfully, even though she talks about all the things we might find down here, I think she sees this as nothing more than a fun adventure for us all."

Yeah right, fun adventure my ass.

"Is that your personal opinion or your esper powers telling you that?"

"I couldn't say," he replies as the sound of rocks shifting underfoot fills the cave. Part of me would like to see him fall, just enough to get a little mud on his face.

"Between 12.325 and 15.688." I turn to face Nagato at the sound of her voice.

"Huh?" I ask as she strolls gracefully through the darkness.

"The chances."

"Oh, you mean the chances that something will happen?"

"Those are the variables based on the personality traits of Suzumiya Haruhi," she explains. I have no idea how you figure out percentages based on personality (much less Haruhi's personality), but if anyone can do it, it's Nagato.

"What about you, Asahina-san? What do you think?" I turn to her, feeling the ecstasy of her warmth against my side, and wait for her to respond. After a few moments of timid stuttering, she says one sentence:

"Do y-you think there will be bats in here?"


	5. Chapter 5

I went ahead and posted tonight's chapters as one long one, since there was no good place to split it. I'll probably do the same to tomorrow night's.

--

"Hurry up everyone! You won't believe this!" Those words are enough to trigger all the alarms in my head, and the four of us rush through the cave as fast as we can without falling to where Haruhi and Tsuruya-san have now come to a halt. As I run, words like "Oni" and "ancient creature" flash through my head.

What have you done now, Haruhi?

When I get there, I let my light move around the cave, praying not to find a giant set of fangs staring back at me. Nothing. I look around again, but I still don't find anything. I let myself calm down slightly before asking.

"What is it?" Haruhi shakes her head in anger.

"What do you mean? Look!" I take another look, and I realize that the thing Haruhi is so excited about isn't something in the cave, it's the cave itself. The room we just entered is huge, and there are stalactites and stalagmites everywhere. In the center is a huge formation hanging down from the ceiling about mid-way to the ground. It's really quite spectacular.

"It's like a ballroom!" Tsuruya-san shouts out in the darkness, and she begins dancing around like she was at a fancy dress party instead of who knows how many meters underground. She makes one circle around the big formation in the center and come back to where we're standing in order to snatch Asahina-san from my side. The two of them dancing together is really very funny, with Tsuruya-san's grace complimenting Asahina-san's terrified flailing as she is dragged into a dance she doesn't want to participate in.

Make sure you save a place on your dance card for me, Asahina-san!

The group slowly begins to split up as we all make our way around to the different structures. On the other side of the room, I notice that Haruhi has started taking pictures; where she got the camera, I have no idea.

"These will go great on the website. Mikuru, Tsuruya, pose in front of those rocks." As I listen to Haruhi shout orders like "be more sexy" and "that smile's not seductive enough," I decide to wash my hands of the whole affair. Do you really think visitors to the website will find Asahina-san and Tsuruya-san sexy down underground covered in mud?

On second thought. . . .

"Hey Kyon, come over here." I walk over to where Koizumi is looking at one of the cave walls.

"What is it?"

"Look at this." I focus on the place his light is resting, and at first I just see a rock wall. Then I notice a slight twitch, and I can make out the form of _it_ sitting there.

A cave cricket.

I shudder and walk away as memories of our last run in with one such insect came rushing back to me.

"Brings back great memories, doesn't it?" Koizumi calls out in the darkness.

"Shut up." Only Koizumi could call our encounter with the cave cricket a "great memory" and still keep a straight face.

I made my way over to where Nagato was also studying a wall of the cave with her usual emotionless stare.

"You find anything interesting?" I ask, though I don't really expect a response. Surprisingly, Nagato responds almost immediately.

"Initial analysis indicates this structure was formed in excess of 100 million years ago."

"Really," I say as I look around me. "How's that compare to Data Integrated Thought Entity-years? Was your boss old and wise when this cave was still young?"

She pauses for a moment before responding.

"The concepts vary too widely. Any comparison is insufficient."

"Why's that?"

"Because the Data Integrated Thought Entity is sentient. This structure is not."

Eh? I was just making small talk, Nagato.

"Kyon, get over here!"

At the sound of Haruhi's voice, I begrudgingly make my way to where she is standing. She is in front of a tight opening that goes up and in between some large boulders.

"What is it?"

"Come on, we're going in here," she says, pointing to the opening.

"And just why would we do that?"

I can see she's unhappy with my protests, but I don't care.

"If we climb up through here, we can reach that ledge up there," she says pointing up to an outcropping close to 15 meters above where we're standing. "And Mikuru is going to take a picture of us."

I am about to explain how dangerous it could be, but I remember that she's already shot down my pleas for safety long ago. So instead, I just complain.

"But why do I have to go?"

"Because it's not safe to climb alone."

"Yeah, but why me?" I ask again, but she's already entered the passageway, informing me that she doesn't plan to listen to anything else I have to say.

I give up. It's impossible to talk any sense into her, even way down here.

She starts making her way up through the rocks, worming from one ledge to another. I follow her, though it's more difficult for me with the backpack on. I briefly consider taking it off and letting it fall to the ground, but I'm already too high.

The fall might crush Asahina-san's food, and that would be a tragedy.

When we get near the ledge, Haruhi stops climbing.

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Give me a boost, I'm stuck."

"How can you be stuck? There's plenty of room."

"My arm's wedged against the wall, and I can't pull myself up."

This may be the greatest moment of the trip.

"So you really can't move at all, huh?" I ask as I lean back to enjoy the scene of Haruhi's legs flailing around helplessly.

"Hurry up and give me a boost!"

I let myself smile; it's nice to finally win one for a change.

"Maybe in a moment, Haruhi. I'm real tired right now from carrying your stuff all day."

I swear I can hear her teeth grinding in the darkness.

"Kyon, you stupid jerk! If you don't help me right now I swear you'll never see daylight again!"

I would be content to just let her flop around like a fish on dry land for awhile longer, but I realize that if she gets mad enough, she just might bring this entire cave down on all of us. I reach up and push her feet forward, and she eventually gets loose. She climbs the rest of the way in silence, and I follow her, making sure not to make the same mistake she made and get my arm stuck. I can't help but wonder what kind of punishment she has in store for me.

Will she push me off the ledge? Fifteen meters is a long way to fall.

When I poke my head out of the opening to climb onto the ledge, Haruhi throws a handful of moist dirt and hits me directly in the face with it.

"Treason! When your Chief gives you an order, you follow it immediately!"

I spend the next few moments spitting dirt out of my mouth and wiping my face off. I can feel the grit of dirt in my teeth, and I have to take long swigs of water from my canteen to try to get the taste out of my mouth.

Still, it was worth it.

Haruhi eventually calms down and goes to sit on the edge of the ledge, letting her feet dangle over the side. I'm still worried about how stable the ledge is and I'm even more worried that Haruhi may "accidently" nudge me toward an early death, but in the end, I make my way out and sit beside her.

The view is amazing from up here. It's hard to take in everything with only the headlamps, but being so close to the stalactites leaves me in awe. The ground looks like a sharp valley, and watching the others move around the floor gives me a different perspective on things. Maybe Koizumi was right and Haruhi just sees this as a fun adventure.

"It's really amazing up here," Haruhi says, though I can't tell if she's talking to me or herself.

"Yeah, I guess I'm glad I came," I say. I look over at her, and when my light first hit her face, I'm pretty sure she was smiling. With my light in her eyes though, whatever expression she might have had turns to annoyance real quick.

"You idiot, get your light out of my face," she says, pushing on my head so that I look away. "Mikuru! Take our picture!" she yells back down into the cavern.

"O-Okay!" comes the reply from the maiden far below us, and the sound of her gentle voice echoing through the cave is like a chorus of angels.

The flash goes off from far below us, but I have my doubts about how well the photo will turn out. With that done, Haruhi stands up. I ignore her, planning to continue my relaxing break, but then I feel her hands on my shoulders.

Oh god! She really is going to push me off the ledge!

My fear subsides as she opens the backpack and begins ruffling around through our supplies. She eventually pulls out the spray paint and starts walking to the closest rock.

So that's why I had to come, huh? To carry your stuff for you? How am I not surprised?

I watch her as she works the can on the wall for awhile. When she eventually finishes, I can see she's written "Haruhi and Kyon conquered this ledge," in bright orange. She turns to face me again, looking very proud of herself; I can tell she's waiting for my comment.

Marking the paths for future generations, huh? Nice try, Haruhi, but I didn't buy that one for a second.

"It's a good thing you wrote that on there," I say. "Now all the bats and cave crickets will know just how talented we are."

She lets out a low growl before speaking again. "I knew I shouldn't have bothered putting your name on there." I hear her spraying some more, and I assume she's marking my name out. After she finishes and puts the can back in my pack, I chance a glance at her work. Instead of marking my name out, she wrote the word "idiot" on the wall and drew a line to it from my name.

Whatever. At least no one else is going to see it anytime soon.


	6. Chapter 6

"Guys! I've found another passageway that opens up." Tsuruya-san's excitement over her discovery is obvious even from our place on the ledge, and like some treacherous virus hell-bent on my complete exhaustion, said excitement transfers to Haruhi.

"Hold on, we'll be right down!"

Haruhi makes me climb back down first, and she spends most of the trip kicking me in the head to get me to go faster.

I'm not a horse, Haruhi.

When we finally make it to where Tsuruya-san is waiting, Haruhi is back in her normal mood and ready to lead.

"I went down it a little ways. It's a pretty narrow path, but it goes a long way," Tsuruya-san explains as Haruhi examines it herself. With a purposeful nod, Haruhi accepts this as our next adventure.

"Everyone follow me."

Up until this point, our trip through the cave had been mildly pleasant. The main channel formed a nice-sized tunnel, and aside from a couple places where we had to duck under some overhang and the climb Haruhi and I just made, it had been more like a hike in the dark than caving.

But now all that is ending. This new path leaves us crawling on hands and knees, and when we are blessed with the opportunity to walk upright, we have to trudge through puddles of water.

With soggy shoes and aching backs, we eventually reach a room that, though open, seems to have no other passages.

"Great, a dead end," I say as I lay back against a smooth outcropping to rest.

"I'm sorry. I thought it kept going." Tsuruya-san's apology is unneeded. No one would be mad at the energetic upper-classmen. I think I could muster up some disdain for Haruhi, though, considering she was the one who made us come down here in the first place.

"It's not a dead end," Haruhi announces, pointing her light at a small opening near the floor. She gets down on the ground and shines her light back through the opening. "There's another room on the other side. We can keep going!"

I take a look at the opening. There's only a space of about two feet from the floor to the ceiling; to get through there, we would have to crawl on our stomachs.

No thanks.

"There's no way I'm going in there," I say, and a quick glance around the room seems to suggest that no one else is particularly excited to do so either.

"Hmph," Haruhi grumbles, and immediately gets down on her stomach and enters the opening. She moves like a snake, and just as fast as she entered she's out the other side.

"See, I'm on the other side, and now all of you have to come too. Abandoning your chief is a transgression punishable by death!" says Haruhi's voice through the little opening.

I look around the room again, and for a moment I kid myself into thinking I might just enact a mutiny.

"Well, I guess I'll go next," says Tsuruya-san, regaining a bit of the seemingly lost energy. Between her and Haruhi's energy reserves, they could power Tokyo for a year.

The rest of us watch her follow in Haruhi's footsteps, but after she's gone, there are no more volunteers.

"Come on Mikuru-chan!" says Tsuruya-san through the opening. Asahina-san is trembling.

"Bu-but. . ." she stutters.

Don't worry, Asahina-san! I won't let anything happen to you.

It takes a few moments of Haruhi and Tsuruya-san's goading, but eventually Asahina-san starts making her way into the opening.

"Don't worry, I'll be right behind you," I promise, hoping she might find a little courage in my vow.

But then tragedy strikes.

Only a few feet from Haruhi's side, Asahina-san stops moving.

"I'm stuck!" she cries out. We rush to see what's happened and find our poor Mikuru in tears as she tries to get loose.

Damn you, Haruhi! Look what you've done.

"You can't be stuck. We both made it through just fine," Haruhi explains.

You're not helping!

But despite Haruhi's reasoning, Asahina-san really is stuck, and we can all see why. How should I explain this. . . you see. . . it's her. . . 'ample chest' that's wedging her against the ceiling and preventing her from progressing.

While I'm trying to figure out what to do, all of sudden I hear Haruhi yell "Quiet!" The cave instantly feels up with silence at Haruhi's command. "Did you guys hear that?" she asks from the other side of the opening.

This isn't the time for your games, Haruhi! Asahina-san is in danger.

"Hear what?"

"I heard something moving around." With this new announcement, Asahina-san becomes even more scared.

"It's just a cricket or dripping water or something, Haruhi. Don't worry about it," I yell back.

"No, it wasn't. It was a lot bigger than that," Haruhi says.

"Haruhi, Asahina-san's stuck. Focus!" I only get silence in return.

"Help!" Asahina-san cries out again, and the sound of her pleas renews my strength.

Don't worry, Asahina-san. For you, I can move mountains.

But after pushing on the cave walls with all my strength for about five minutes, I realize that I apparently can't move mountains at all, regardless of who it's for.

Luckily, while I was wasting my energy, Haruhi climbed back into the opening and pulled Asahina-san the rest of the way out.

It's too late, though. The traumatic experience has already befallen our delicate Asahina-san. I'm so sorry, Mikuru.

The rest of us make it through the opening without incident, but I make sure to take off the backpack and push it through ahead of me so that I don't get stuck too.

On the other side, after the situation has calmed down again, Haruhi looks at me and says, "I heard something."

Earlier, the idea that Haruhi had actually heard something moving around was overshadowed by Asahina-san's predicament, but now I wonder if maybe she's telling the truth.

If she is, she has no one to blame but herself.

Despite what she might have heard, Haruhi has no plans on turning back just yet, and although Asahina-san seems nearly comatose, we keep moving forward through the pathway, which luckily has opened to the point that we can stand again. We don't make it long though, before a new problem confronts us.

The path makes a sharp slope down. It's not so steep that we couldn't make it down, but the surface is muddy and sliding all the way down is a real problem.

"This is what we brought the rope for," Haruhi says, fetching it from my pack. She loops it around a steady looking rock and starts making her way down the bank. Tsuruya-san follows her, and then, despite her protests, Asahina-san begins making her descent.

Poor Asahina-san. This just isn't a place you should be.

When she nears the bottom, a bat flys by on its way out of the cave. It wasn't even near her, but its presence sends her into another fit. She shakes the rope so much that it comes unhooked from the rock and follows her down the bank.

Haruhi and Tsuruya-san gently catch her as she slides the short distance to the bottom, but the rope is down there too.

After making sure everyone is all right, I ask the obvious question.

"Can you throw the rope back up here?" Haruhi makes a couple of tries, but it's not even close.

"You guys will just have to find another way down. We'll go on and explore up ahead."

"Haruhi, wait. . . ." I'm about to ask how she thinks she'll get back up if we can't find a way down, but what does she care? Instead, she interrupts me.

"Throw me the can of spray paint." I go ahead and chuck it down, listening to the clank of it bouncing off the cave floor as it goes. Once she has it, the three of them head off, leaving the command to "not eat the rations" as our last communication.


	7. Chapter 7

"Are we going to look for a way down?" Koizumi asks as I sit down.

"Yeah, yeah, eventually," I say as I take the last drink from my canteen. "I'm going to rest first."

With Haruhi gone, I notice that Koizumi has lost a little bit of his façade, and he leans up against the wall to rest as well.

So even esper-boy gets tired, eh?

Nagato, on the other hand, is still as strong as ever. She continues to stand, seemingly watching the darkness.

At first, we can still hear the echoes of Haruhi, Tsuruya-san, and Asahina-san as they venture off into the cave, but eventually those disappear as well.

How far down do you plan to go, Haruhi?

Then it happens. As I'm sitting around enjoying the silence, I notice, only too late, a noise approaching.

"Boo!" something yells from the darkness. The event leaves me tumbling over in shock, and by the time I've regained my composure and looked for the source, there is nothing to be found but empty cave.

I look around at Koizumi and Nagato, and Koizumi seems as shocked as I am.

"What was that?" I ask, but I get only silence in return. "Haruhi?" I ask the darkness, wondering if maybe she found a way up here and took the opportunity to frighten us, but the more I look around the more I think that's impossible – there's simply no place for her to hide in this room.

"Is this some kind of. . ." I begin, but then it happens again.

"Boo!" I jump to my feet from the shock, frantically needing to discover just what's going on before I have a heart attack. As I'm looking around the cave, my light just catches the tail end of something moving, just a quick flash, but by the time I realize it and turn to look, whatever I saw was gone once again.

"I think there's something in here," I say, looking at the other two. Koizumi is also standing upright again, cautiously looking around the cave. I don't think Nagato's moved during this entire event. "No one make a sound."

I listen to the silence, and the moment I hear it, the quick patter of something moving on the ground, I spin around, pointing my light right at the source of the noise.

Standing before me is a creature about the size of your average dog. Its skin is leathery like a bat or a pig's, but its features very much resemble that of a cat. For the second my light is on the creature, its eyes begin to glow red, and its mouth opens to reveal rows of very sharp fangs.

I'd like to say I was braver in the presence of this unknown creature; I mean, I've faced down blue giants, a murderous classmate, giant cave crickets, and, worst of all, kissing Haruhi, but the fact that we were underground in the darkness, I acted less than noble.

And by less than noble, I mean I ran like a scared child.

I don't make it far though. I trip and lose my helmet (and by proxy, my light), and I spend the next couple of minutes fumbling through the dark to find a wall to press myself up against. After a few moments, my heart stops punching my sternum, and I chance a look around the cave.

Nagato is still standing in the exact spot she started in, except now she's looking in a new direction. Centered in her light is the creature, but it's different now. Its eyes are brown, the fangs are tucked away neatly, and it looks completely submissive.

I put two and two together and realize Nagato must have incapacitated it somehow.

I pick up my helmet and find Koizumi near another wall. It looks like he also ducked for cover during the big moment.

Helpless, just like me, huh? How's it feel, now? Still feel like grinning all the time?

"What did you do to it?" I ask as I take a few steps closer.

"Nothing," is all Nagato replies.

Ding, the bell has rang and round two of heart vs. sternum is underway.

"What do you mean, you didn't do anything? Why's it just sitting there then?"

"It seems the creature is designed to become harmless upon discovery."

"Huh," is all I can muster. Before I can figure out which question I want to ask first, Koizumi walks over and picks the creature up.

I'm about to yell at him, tell him not to pick up the dangerous monster, but then again, if it mauls his face a little, that's not so bad, is it?

"What is it?" is the question I eventually go with.

"It is the manifestation of Suzumiya Haruhi's wishes," Nagato explains.

In Koizumi's arms, the creature begins purring, but the noises it emits are meek "boo" sounds – diluted versions of noise it had frightened us with earlier.

"Haruhi wished for that?" I say, pointing at the little monster. "Are you sure?" Nagato nods.

"It seems as though that noise she heard was the trigger. While I believe Suzumiya-san truly wishes to find a creature down here, possibly even a scary one, she also doesn't wish to be in any danger, hence this little guy's docile behavior." I let Koizumi's words circle around in my head for awhile before I reply.

"So you're telling me that Haruhi created a monster whose sole goal in life is to jump out at people from the dark and yell 'boo' at them?" He smiles and nods as he begins petting the little cat-monster's wrinkly skin.

"It seems that way."

Should I list Haruhi's accomplishments as God for you? World peace? Nope. End world hunger? Nope. Cure cancer? Nope. Create the world's worst Halloween prank? Check.

Who or whatever gave her these powers, take them away, please. I'm begging you.

"The question is, what are we going to do with it now? We can't let Suzumiya-san see it."

I wouldn't mind seeing the little thing scare Haruhi a few times on her way out.

"Also, this is a living creature. Like it or not, we can't just trick Suzumiya-san into wishing it away now that it's alive." Geez Haruhi, look at this new problem you've put in front of us.

"Couldn't we just leave it here? I mean, Haruhi created it to live here, right? It should survive," I propose.

"Yes, that would be fine, except the moment we let this little guy go, he's likely to return to his task of popping out at us from dark places."

As I'm pondering the pros and cons of trying to sneak the cat-creature around in my backpack until we leave, Nagato walks over and takes the creature from Koizumi. Then I watch as she begins moving her mouth in that rapid motion that accompanies her alien magic.

When I look back at the creature, it is now completely still, like a stuffed animal.

"What did you do?"

"I applied a complete spatial cessation of subatomic particles. The manifestation will reanimate in twenty-four hours." All I got from Nagato's sci-fi talk was that she froze it.

"Is that like what you did to me and Asahina-san at your apartment?"

"Very similar." I sigh. Where would we be without Nagato?

A very bad place, that's where.

"Now all we have to do is hide it where Suzumiya-san won't find it and the problem is solved."

Koizumi and I search around for a little cove to tuck the creature in until it wakes up. We find one, place the creature inside, and even cover it with some small rocks so that it's even harder to notice.

And fortunately, (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) while searching for a place to hide Haruhi's latest creation, we also found an alternate path down to where Haruhi, Tsuruya-san, and Asahina-san are.


	8. Chapter 8

When we reach the lower level, we find Asahina-san sitting in the middle of a room on top of a large boulder as Haruhi and Tsuruya-san dash around poking their heads into every little crack and crevice.

On the walls, I could see that Haruhi had been busy with the spray paint. Next to openings she had written things like "nothing worth seeing" and "boring" in the same scrawl she used to immortalize my idiocy on the cave wall earlier.

Come on, Haruhi. At least be a little more constructive with your markings.

When she eventually notices us, she stops and points her finger in accusation.

"You took too long. If you ate the rations, I'm going to fill your pack with boulders and make you carry them out of here."

I open my mouth to defend myself, but Haruhi has already moved on to another subject.

"We've found the next path we're taking, come on."

We follow our leader around a bend and end up at another opening in which we'll have to climb on hands and knees to get through.

"Haruhi, this has to stop eventually. We're getting tired, and we have a long trip out of here."

"Nonsense. No one ever makes the interesting discoveries by being tired and turning around," she replies.

"This is the last one, Haruhi," I say, but even I don't feel like it was very convincing. She frowns, but doesn't say anything else before starting into the passage.

It's a long crawl, but when we finally get to the end, even I'm glad we did it.

You know that room we came to a long time ago, where Haruhi and I climbed the ledge? Remember how I said it was huge? It wasn't huge. The room we just entered is huge. It's so huge that I have a new appreciation for that word now.

I feel like someone hollowed out the mountain, and now we're standing on the inside of what's left.

I'd guess the ceiling is easily over a hundred meters above us, and it feels more like a stadium than some underground cavern.

We all walk around in awe; there's just not much to say. There aren't many structures. The room is impressive in its size alone. A quick glance around suggests that there's only one passageway as well, that being the one we entered through.

"Incredible!" Haruhi yells, and her voice rumbles through the massive cavern in ways I never thought possible.

"I can't believe this was down here. The mountain probably should've collapsed millions of years ago," Koizumi interjects.

"I claim this discovery in the name of the SOS Brigade!" After her vocal declaration, Haruhi remembers that she has a spray paint can, and I watch as she makes her way over to the largest, flattest wall.

The rest of us wander around, feeling very tiny. I notice that Koizumi is talking to Nagato off to the side, but I'm still too stunned to care what about.

"There," Haruhi says, and we all look over to see what she's just finished.

On the wall, she's written "SOS Brigade" in large characters, and around it she's added our names, including Tsuruya-san's.

Luckily, my name is lacking the "idiot" addition that its predecessor had.

"Now our discovery is official," Haruhi announces. As I watch a big smile cross her face, I suddenly remember that underneath of that dirt and mud is a very beautiful girl.

"Tsuruya-san, after discussing it with Nagato-san, we estimate that this may be the largest known underground cavity in the world," explains Koizumi.

So that's what you were talking about.

"If your family is willing to open this place up to the public, you could have a very popular tourist attraction on your hands."

I only notice because I'm still looking at Haruhi, but when she hears this piece of news, she begins to scowl.

What's wrong Haruhi? Don't you want thousands of people to read the name of your club? Isn't that why you wrote it on the wall in the first place?

After all the oohs and aahs are out of our system, Haruhi decides that we're leaving.

"Since Kyon is being such a crybaby, we'll go."

We make it through the passage that led to the humongous room and pause for a break, and within minutes of getting clear, the passage that we just climbed through collapses in a fury of rocks, dust, and tremors.

If we had waited around in that room for another couple minutes, we would have been trapped in there forever.

I look around at everyone, if for no other reason than make sure that no one's missing. I can feel the anxiety in the air, and one question is perforating the darkness.

What else might collapse?

Haruhi gives me one of the most serious looks I've ever seen cross her face.

"Let's get out of here," she says.


	9. Chapter 9

Getting out of the cave was even more terrifying knowing that the walls or ceiling collapsing and crushing us was a real possibility.

As I walk out into the fresh air and stare at a dim evening sky, I've never felt happier to be under that blue canopy we all take for granted.

I can see the same relief on the faces of the others. After such an experience, the moment seems right for some kind of wise or witty comment, but all I can think to say is, "I'm thirsty."

Well, what do you want from me? I'm tired and my mouth is dry from the air and that face-full of dirt Haruhi gave me earlier.

I watch Haruhi's face react like she's about to yell at me, but then it relaxes.

"Here," she says, tossing me her canteen as we continue walking toward Tsuruya-san's house.

Haruhi actually shared something? With me? Maybe she feels guilty for putting us all in danger.

I take two heavy gulps before she swipes it back.

"That's all you get."

"I can't believe you still have almost a whole canteen left. Were you secretly drinking out of mine or something?" I ask, and Haruhi immediately takes offense at the accusation.

"No, unlike you, I'm smart. After I emptied my canteen, I filled it up from one of the pools of water at the bottom of the cave. It's a little murky, but it's cool and tastes fine."

"Ahem." Koizumi clears his throat long enough to make it clear he wants our attention. "That was probably not such a good idea," he says, his grin faltering just slightly.

"Why, it's not poisonous, is it?" I ask.

I always figured that Haruhi would be the death of me, but poison? I expected something much more dramatic from you, Haruhi.

"Not poisonous exactly, but let's see. . . just how should I put this. Due to certain mineral deposits, cave water acts as a powerful . . . laxative."

Oh no. . . .

I'm not going to go into any details, but I'll say that Sunday there were no SOS Brigade activities because the chief and a certain member were 'under the weather.' We did manage to make it to school on Monday, but I spent the whole day wishing I was at home.

Haruhi didn't show up at the clubroom that afternoon; I don't know if she felt sick or if she was concocting some new scheme. But with her gone, I didn't stay long. I did, however, find enough time to have a short conversation with Koizumi.

"I'm surprised you made it," he said when I walked in.

"I wish I hadn't."

"You shouldn't hold that one misfortune against the whole trip. It was rather fun in the end."

"Rather fun?" I say, ready to slap him. "We were almost crushed or trapped forever down there. Not to mention there's some new species running around in that cave now."

"You really shouldn't worry about that little creature. By now I'm sure he living a full life of scaring the guano out of bats," he says, maintaining that smug air that follows him around like cologne. "And as for that cave in, I don't believe we were in any real danger."

I've got to hear how he's going to justify this one.

"Why's that?"

"Because I believe Suzumiya-san was responsible for it."

"I thought you said she didn't want to be in any danger."

"I did, which is why I believe we were completely safe during the whole thing. The chances of a naturally occurring cave-in of that magnitude coinciding with what was likely the cave's first visit by humans are extremely small."

Okay, I'll bite. "So why would she want to cause a cave-in?"

"Did you happen to notice how Suzumiya-san reacted when I told Tsuruya-san that she could have a tourist attraction down there?"

The sight of Haruhi's disappointed scowl came back to me.

"I might have seen something."

"I believe that Suzumiya-san sees that room as a monument to us. Its grandeur, its secret nature, the fact that we discovered it all contribute to a great accomplishment on our part. The prospect of thousands of people visiting it cheapens those things. It doesn't completely take them away, but it wouldn't have the same meaning. So by writing our names on the walls and sealing it away with a cave-in, she has essentially ensured that no one will touch what she views as belonging to the SOS Brigade. Think about it; as is, that room is likely to remain untouched for hundreds, maybe thousands of years, carrying the name of our club farther into the future than anyone of us ever could. Don't you think that sounds like the kind of thing Suzumiya-san would want to accomplish?"

I stare at Koizumi for a long time without speaking. I'm not sure what I think about all he's said, but I know what question I want to ask.

"Is that your personal opinion or your esper powers telling you that?"

"I couldn't say."

--

Well, that's it. I hope you enjoyed it, and I'd love to hear what you thought.


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